Aug. 22nd, 2013

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i hate to sit in the living room with the TV on, which i shut off as SOON as he goes to work... prefer to sit upstairs, in bed, staring out the window... at the trees... two of them, don't know their species but they are pretty tall... tall enough that i can't see the sky above them... look out my window & all you can see is the tree...

it started when i was a little girl, maybe when i was 9, i can remember when we moved (again) :( and i was getting used to living in Oakhurst... it suddenly occurred to me that yes, the household had to wake up rather early, but if i woke a little *earlier* than they did i was the only one awake in the whole house... i sat there in perfect silence, hear the wind, hear the faint traffic far away (it sounded like the ocean), hear the crickets... & i made it a ritual to kneel on my bed, & lean on my windowsill... stare out to the East, & wait... watch... the sky was black, and then growing slowly to light blue.. and i saw the sun.

this was very important to me.

i immediately made it my responsibility to observe the sun setting... i sat outside in the backyard, and still sat in the same place every time, quiet, watch my sky grow redder, as the sun set... sitting very still, but peaceful, i was never a child that was just FULL of energy... instead i was most often alone, or just watching other children play... and wonder what in the WORLD they were thinking. ;)

then it occurred to me, one dark morning, that i was not alone.... i could see them, could *feel* them, of every different size, some shorter than me but most of them were oh so much bigger than me... all of them were so slender and standing erect... swaying so so slowly & gently (you almost missed it)... they were the "standing ones"...

at first all i could do was stare at them... but at least they were never insulted by how quiet i am, as a matter of fact they found me curious, but darling... could feel them watching ME as well... they never cease to amaze me: how many leaves do they have? do they *feel* their leaves move? do they get sad when the leaves fall down, to the ground?

i was homeless after a beating, & i ran away from home... i was taken in by a man who then nomadic, following jobs... i was his servant.

i remember feeling empty, and always lost... it never mattered how long we were in a certain area (before packing our things, & finding our new quasi-home) it was almost like i couldn't tell north or south, & i would walk into walls.... & then it happened one day.

i was sitting on the porch, suddenly a tree i noticed... it stood near the trailer... was the *only* tree nearby, but it didn't strike me as "sad"... to be honest, it wasn't sad in the SLIGHTEST...

me: you remind me of a tree i once met.. she had lots of trees & animals around her...
(thought appears suddenly in my mind) "i am loved by my family.. what is alone?"

i didn't know WHAT family i could be imagining... but it got me to thinking... i started to pay attention, & seek out, everybody who was "green" growing in the strangest of places: cracks between cement & a building, creeping up onto the edges of asphalt, swallowing abandoned trucks and cars...

can't explain my train of thought or which thoughts were mine to begin with... but i think i am finally starting to understand what the trees/plants are experiencing all around them (or on TOP of them)... i can look out my bedroom window RIGHT NOW & see the tree, the two of them standing together, so so happy...

i see in my minds eye the grey gloom & doom of the city that i live in, & it has all has become so small to me... i have to remind myself not to become depressed or anxious of the grey, i'm not trapped... i am moving through to the other side... and it is temporary...

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qilora

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