Sep. 28th, 2013 02:48 pm
qilora: (Default)
[personal profile] qilora
i have some time... when i can't work, i can only look out the window & think...

will talk a little about "life"...

i was thinking a little about waking up from the brain surgery & feeling so different... i was convinced i was obsessed & living as nothing but a big ravenous shaking nefesh.. nefesh that was living in a nearly blinded body, who would JUMP at a pin drop, could smell food hundreds of feet from me, who clawed through its home inch by inch... the months i survived, were Hell.

kept all of this hidden from everyone. and i repeat, i kept this HIDDEN... because i thought my best opportunities were secrecy... to be about me me me, & trust no one.

my ruach begged to differ, but at least convinced me to fake a smile & *always* talk in a sweet voice, be polite, & if i HAD to pull back from them at least offer my apology (for suffering from a swollen/throbbing brain?) that i didn't feel well, could keep a sense about them/me well enough to keep its cool..

but where was the neshama? i was lost (enough!) that i was convinced to not HAVE one... i know, how strange to think such things... but neshama, knew well to stay off to the side, if it so much as BRUSHED itself into me, i would drop dead in an instance to rush myself into it, faster than you could say: לילה טוב...

but it snuck into sight, briefly.. started to peek into my dreams... have seconds here & there, when i was overcome by this lovely sensation of "oh my G-d... i am *me*.... I AM ME!!" then *whoosh* the feeling was gone.... feeling empty, but at least encouraged to allow nefesh be obsessed with licking my wounds, because no every part of me was lost from this Universe... i just needed to be patient.

it brings to mind an analogy living as a worm ;) (i love worms)....

i see myself twirling around the dirt/food... and its the nefesh that has control of the body, at least gets me to *walk* across the room, to *pick up* a glass of water, or (talking as wormie-dude) i must dig.. I MUST DIG MORE! digging forward & up.. moving in spirals... while my ruach connects with other ruachs, discussing which way to go, maybe it should speed up, maybe slow down, condition of the dirt, etc... but would NEVER think to see ruach get its hands dirty ;)

and then flashes in a spark of neshama... pulls open its veil.. suddenly nefesh understands why its crawling.. ruach understands which decision to make..

in my real life i try to be open to the experience as i stir my cuppa tea in the morning, & it hits me as to "what" is drawn into this life (thanks to every part of me) & it alters the temperature of the globe, brings the sensation of peace, feel those closest to me (family, friends, locals) feel them swimming along with me... i sip me tea :) my nefesh doing all it can to keep me in this life, and offers neshama a pathway...

does that make sense? maybe i could make sense another time....


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