qilora: (Default)
how to describe it... its like my brain is trying to fill in the blind place with doodling, because it don't see but has empty space... with people talking/moving i see blurry/blobs stealing colors from their clothing (the blobs move, slow or fast according to their moods) but more often i see the strings, colored gold or silver (i can't predict the color) i can tell you it resembles waving very long grass, turned all sorts of directions but coming from the speaker... listening to youtube last night had the Cure giving off green/deep-blue/thin-black strings that were almost curling (how lovely), and U2 was actually a ball that had flattened geometric sides & was colored the faint sepia/black of the video & had a very faint blue & orange fading in and out of unpredictable sides....
qilora: (Default)
thinking about how other people are reacting to me, and want ME to act...

the biggest state of confusion come with other people getting upset when i don't turn my head.. they always seem to take it as a sign that something is suddenly wrong...

"Julie, what happened to your eyes?" asked while i am listening to an entire table of conversations, the room filled in front of me & a bar behind me that was mostly empty, i somehow here that empty space... but listening of course with no interest in turning my head...

"Julie, are you okay??" i was sitting & thinking amused about nonsense, but just so happen to be turning my head a little down so i must be "depressed"...

"Watch! Watch!" points his arm to the screen, i thought about arguing with him "i can see blobs of color, but it doesn't matter if i turn around AT the screen or not"... but he's excited so i turn...

"i thought you can see" thinking i could see the details below my feet as i walked in & out of the buildings with no problem, i only walk in very straight lines (sidewalks lead me where i'm going)... hallways are VERY clear & easy to walk, & you can hear when the Empty is opened up to the side so you stop walking until sure no one else is coming...

"are you listening to me?" ... i am changing my ear-focus from one person to the next, even though i don't turn my head away from one person & onto the next person...

i think sunglasses would be a reminder & a sign to others, more than anything... i'll look like John Lennon ;)

like, peace!

breathe...

May. 18th, 2013 01:16 pm
qilora: (Default)
well, i had to think, and take some time.... the therapist seemed not at all believe that my vision is improving & wants me in glasses now, and i mean NOW.... she had me shaken up a little...

but why the man who oputated on my brain, who is a neurologist with much awards, who told me i have to wait 3-6 months, why would he be in the wrong compared to a therapist?

sorry to say but my eyes *are* improving, because they have to... they would relax with the glasses... i don't think its time to wear them, sorry.

the sight in the left sides of my eyes was measured 20/70, only moderate low-vision...

i have to get used to it, every morning when i wake up... takes a while to get my bearings.... i *used* to think i improved so greatly throughout the day, so that i barely noticed it come sleepie time, but it just dawned on me, that its not changed at all.... how i first see this world is identical to how it looks as i shut my eyes, to go to sleep...

i just have to be grateful that i see at all, & get used to not using my eyes when i walk, etc.... use my mind.

Mama.

May. 12th, 2013 10:04 am
qilora: (Default)
called Tony the other evening at 6:45... he had already texted me that he'd be by Nini's to pick me up at 6:15 & YOU DON'T KNOW what a sniggler to lists and very *very* punctual he is... being a half hour late, i was worried...

he answered sounding happy, apologised for being late, & then said he was at Margie (an aunt on Tony's side) and said he's putting her on the fon to say hi to me...

"hello Julie!"
"heellloooooo Margie! hahahah" (sounding little girlish)
"do you know who it is? its Mama!"
"MAMA MAMA OH MY GOD!"

it was Mama ;) & i was in shock to find out she was staying down in NC for 2 weeks...

i got back on the fon with Tony & told him to come *get* me... he comes get me, but it was a bit later (couldn't peel himself away from Mama), & figured i would just see (& meet!) Mama on a different day.... NOT going to happen... i had *sobbed* while waiting him to fetch me, Nini rubbed my back & texted him that he could take me to hug Mama or better watch his BUTT from what Nini planned to do hahaha

so i met my Mama :)

& i'm grateful ♥
qilora: (Default)
had a fainting spell (& panic attack!) at PT, but finally am recovering... leaving home an hour earlier than i'd planned, so i figured "eh, i'll just eat afterwards".... BIG mistake. :(

my sugar crashed, & my blood pressure read 90/60... next i know the therapists filled me *full* of apple juice & crackers.. oh good LORD what a buzz i got! ;)

so now i just feel exhausted... eating mashed potatos... playing way way too much mah-jong... i feel beat.

i have to stop working so hard at PT, stop *pressing* myself... who cares if i just takes a little while longer... & i need to eat more in spite of my nervousness...

i have to be kind to "Julia"... (includes chocolate).... can i get a amen?

amen. ♥
qilora: (Default)
the (quasi)blinded i have to admit i love-love-love driving home at night, sitting in those coffee-shops all night, walking thru house and don't bother turning on the light since its midnight, etc..... being in the dark with bubbles & blobs of color... i feel like i'm trippin'

my life is painted by Picasso at night, by day-time its Van Gogh (edit: or should that be reverse, since i see clearer in the dark.. hm.)... trust me i'm not bragging, i am very much still dependent on others...

inventing curse-words every time i bump (right side) into walls or trip over another piddling that everyone thought you'd see & step over... and yet i'm less nervous, and walk better, when i'm alone... its a conundrum...

i can't get over the color, seems i can see it more clearly, when i can't see the details & lines of the object... i see Jazz...



(edit: i just thought of being "happier" with the sunshine, & feeling safer in the dark... i'm a hypocrite, in a way, but its a given that i feel anxious/depressed in the grey)
qilora: (Default)
i can hear around me, sitting here... i don't have to move very much... i hear the TV, and the birds behind me, & the wind, & the kids up the street... its all so BIG, like i'm not even in a little room twiddling thumbs, i feel like a magical fairy, like i can see you before you see me, i just don't use my eyes...♥
qilora: (Default)
its breaking clouds, sunshine peeking through, and i'm relieved....

when its cloudy i feel closed up inside myself... its "okay", i say it doesn't bother me... but i find myself breathing just deeper in the sun...

i don't know why, but i can see just the slightest of light in the blinded part of my right eye, not that it needs to be as bright as sunshine (i see lights in living-room, computer, etc.) but only see the formation & place that the light is at.... faint, but there...

the only comfort i find at all in this situation, is the fact its so so easy to be facing you, and not seeing you (making sure to turn slightly to the left)... not having to face the horror or violence on the television, instead looking off at my blurry books & yarn, and spinning up plans in my head.... so don't get me wrong, i would *love* to get some relief, and "see" again, but even if i never improve (G-d forbid), i'll live...
qilora: (Default)
when i just woke up (i can't remember) i told my sister i saw my Father & Nanny (my grandmother)... but as i come around i kept quiet about seeing anyone (afraid of being considered crazy and locked up)...

at first i was TERR-I-FIED to see them, they were so vivid to me i couldn't tell they were a hallucination, so talking to them will be talking to the sky... crazy lady :(

another bit of strange was the fact that they showed up one at a time, sat or stood next to me for a minute, then walked off making room for the next person...

i *refused* to acknowledge them, & was sure to answer no one who was "alone" in my room (they could be a person or could be one of them) i could ask my sister "are they alive?", or at least talk only if i had other people around who saw them & talked to them...

i saw a woman who stood in forearm crutches, and a black man (he was the only one who waved to me, smiling), some of them looked sad but most of them peeked at me curious, some of them (thank G-d it was a very small amount) were children... almost everybody was a grown up...

i also didn't recognise any of them except for when i saw Bobby (my stepfather, who was *glowing*), and looking down into my lap i saw Amber-dog (she was wrapped in a blanket)...

when they pushed me into Rehabilitation "they" disappeared! (at first) and i was so *so* releived... thats when i noticed people, who walked in the room to visit the woman who lived in the room with me... they seemed so pleasant, dressed nice (although a little "dated") & one of them was even a dark skinned doctor, and then they would disappear on their own or be walked through..... great. i got scared AGAIN hahah ;)

i got my sister to pull the curtain around my bed so i didn't see any of "them" show up again (i felt bad i did that)...

my vision of them has gone down from the many-many-many i saw in the ICU, to just a couple in the Rehab, to hardly any at home & the hotel...

the most important fact is i'm not afraid of them anymore... they aren't here as "escort" me to the After-life, and they aren't making noise over my day to day... they are peaceful & curious, so if they want to look at me, let them look..
qilora: (Default)
i can make *no* sense of it, that i want it to be a secret when i meet someone... i was sure to dress foreign & wore make up (I WORE MAKE UP?!) and felt i was trying to hide.... felt VERY lucky that i don't have the heavy "angry" brow that my sister & Father have, can't excuse how i'm built tough & strong and not "lithe" ... there is also my teeth that no one saw & many dentist ask me if i was Asian ;)

no. i'm NOT Asian. i'm Lenape. so i am expected to dress in jeans & drink (a lot)... can you know how it feels? that everybody you meet has skin pink against your yellow skin, and tells you so proud that they are 1/16 Cherokee?

i think them being so proud is why *i* have been denying & packing myself in the closet!!! PROUD to not running the "gatherings" & not hanging up a dozen dream catchers, and wearing all those damn feathers...

there has been all that "stuff" i only discovered by noticing when i could compare myself to other people... so many white people talk-talk-talk they seem so uncomfortable in silence & act like filling it with noise or whistle or look at their watch or pick up a magazine etc...

do you want to know how to "be" a native american? know you are safe to be silent. THAT is the first part...

maybe afterwards you notice the voices of your Family, and become obedient to them, just live every moment like you are as strong & patient as you can be, so that They will be proud of you...
qilora: (Default)
i have amnesia of (i think) 6 days, 3 before the surgery & 3 after.. and i say GOOD ;)

thank G-d i've forgotten the horrible worry & thank G-d i've forgtten the pain before...

i wish i forgot the suffering after but at least i have time pass, and i'm alive... my sadness comes but at least it passes and i find myself laughing, and cracking jokes, and hope for certain goals...

i want to walk (crutches are okay) & no more dizzy-dizzy :-P and the glasses would be nice... ALL a part of step #1.

step #2 is making my trips out of the house alone, trips to the market & trips to the Tea Shop in town, next the trip up to Jersey (conductors are so helpful)...

when i come home step #3, to become involved... the research, i'm starting now... trying to find SOME way that i can be helpful myself... i'm sure i can...
qilora: (Default)
ever since the operation, but it has improved MUCHLY.. at first seeing (for example) the mug sitting in front of me, 2 feet to the left & (at an angle and) 2 feet to the sky, but i could SEE what a lovely mug it was, no complaints.....

i hid it from my doctors, afraid they would keep me longer, told them i needed people to help me stand over the toilet because of my dizzy spells... until i got a handle of things, & was lucky enough (BARUCH HASHEM!) to get this double-vision turned off when looking straight & side to side, & up (so much practise from lying in bed!).... that's when i confessed how difficult it was to see & was given some hope that as the swelling goes down & my brain heals, i could very well increase my power of sight, so lets just say i got fingers crossed! ;)

how do i live with it now? i'm finding tricks, for instance counting steps forward & walking in straight lines before i turn, i "see" with my mind (seeing the tea bags or seeing the sandwich i'm making, etc) this way i see just what i hold RIGHT where they are & not 2 feet off in la-la land...

when Tony's talking to me i found myself looking off, its just easier than being able to see him as he sits to my right (i have to face the back of the couch!) just easier....

with reading, I CAN STILL READ :D but yes i have to make fonts *much* bigger, and have to guess at many words (i ordered magnifying glass!)... i have to hold my hand at the end of the sentence so the half-blind eye doesn't trick me, only giving me HALF the sentence hahaha ;)

this is all, nothing really to complain about.. just had to find the right "tricks", and if need be i'll get glasses at the end of waiting it out (the surgeon has me waiting 6 months) i'll even wear coka-cola bottle glasses if i have to!! ;) if it mean i can read...
qilora: (Yemaya)
i think it is a dysfunctinal concept dreamed up by Xtianity (and their new-age kin) to manipulate people into blind-faith & obedience to authority.

i personally, want G-d to love us conditionally... emotionally-loving us as part of Itself, is a given, no harm in that but let's take the Jewish-mythos angle here,just go ahead and ask the Angels if they are happy with the fact they are so "close" to HaShem that they are unable to act out of free-will and make "heavenly father" actually proud of them?..... sorry, but i'm glad there are "conditions" involved and i have the freedom to fuck up royally... thanks but no-thanks, to the Jezus-freakie-folk, i want my Daddy proud of me for more than the fact that i can read and blindly/unconditionally accept & recite a couple of sentences...

and do you want to "cheapen" something? just go ahead and toss it everywhere... pass those carte-blanche "all is forgiven" & "i love you sooooooo much!" cooing trippy-face mantras to the general public and watch all the words devolve and compost into huge piles of meaningless cliche...

i am a big love-love sort of folk in here.... spreading my beaming smiles and coo-coo to the loved-ones all around me, but i DO try and mind just what exactly i am saying and HOW i express it to people... it would devestate me beyond all belief to realise that my words of love had been so over-used and so random that they lost all meaning to the people who mean the most to me.....

and granted, i think there are many human-experiences that we all slap the same label of "love" onto (for better or worse) and i will admit right now that i am totally at a loss as to controlling my emotional-love for people myself, but i don't really mean the butterflies-in-belly when i tell someone i love them... i can get those sweet little moments of "awe" and Gd-in-all love-loves over much of humanity, but that does NOT mean that i would give them access to my body or possessions and commit to a future-relationship with them....

if i am in a relationship with a friend (even JUST a friend) there are an enormous list of actions that pass back and forth between us, and filter through my mind, swim through my blood, before i hear myself telling them again "i love you".... many many "conditions" involved...

we all have "quirks" as to things like sexual-love/attractedness, and i ain't going to pass judgment on another person's inability to commit to long-term relationship with someone based solely on appearance of face, or sound-of-voice, partner having "innies" or "outties", or even color-of-skin (oh well, it happens) any more than i would pass judgment on Ray Crumb and his boot-fetish.... we can't change our wiring to alter our emotions & sexual-response, not without a HUGE investment of time/energy and commitment (and i doubt long-term success of that sort of thing really)....

there are people who couldn't commit to being with me for any NUMBER of reasons.... a good many of them my own human-failings, and some of them just their own "quirks" that they needed from me that i just honestly could not provide them....

some of those quirks were pretty fucking odd if i do say so myself hahaha ;) a common thread through much of them though was my not adhering (consciously) to common-society's programming of what is "right" to be/want for myself and what is "right" to demand from the world we live in...

i am also basically too damn "whole" and un-needy and it scared off many men who saw our relationship as built on very shakey-ground i.e. i could get up and walk out any minute and how in the WORLD could that be called stable? (mind you, that only scared off the "men" (whether XX or XY), telling isn't it?) and as far as the women i have been involved with, we had much conflict over my not taking "roles" seriously enough... i like "pretty" and sorta-femme women but HATE tons of make-up/perfume/trashy-clothes, and no i did not want to lift weights, lower my voice, and cut my hair short (sorry girls).... but being "fluid" myself(s) again translated as being unstable/unreliable and our relationship being just to fragile... so the "girls" (again, either XX or XY) left me for more "solid" people...

okay, whatever.

i'm not even going to say that none of these people "REALLY loved me" because i don't doubt that they did, in their own way.. but we all have our own needs/conditions in relationships.... no way in fucking hell would i want to be with someone who was "tolerating" me there, just because of their feelings for me, even though i was not at ALL what they wanted in a partner... (been there done that, NEVER again please)

my own feelings aside, know what my conditions are to be with me? i want health.. for myself, my loved ones and this entire fucking planet & Universe... i make my choices for growth, healing and mindful/ethical behavior, every time i so much as buy CANDY in a store i am pondering over all that.... so same goes for my partners in life ("just friends" and otherwise) if someone craves only to be irresponsible and immature, i won't include them in my life, i won't ACT out of my love for them (i.e. let the fucker be lonely, i ain't callin him/her) i do not consciously reward mis-behavior in people, no matter HOW much i emotionally-love them... because when i DO reward that, and help them more-easily stay in that state of take-take-take/exploitive behavior, then i am basically like the spineless-mommy who spoils her child rotten with candy and then looks to the sky when her little girl has a mouth full of rotten teeth and diabetes.... fuck. that.

i am mental in my own ways (for instance, my mother-to-all delusions in here) but that being said, i think that i tend to have non-harmful dynamics with most of the people in my life... i am legally/techinically wrong to feel "i am their mother" to strangers on the street, but my loving each and every friend as "my child" does not diminish them in any way, does not dis-empower them (learning to be "a mother" at 5, meant my "children" were peers (horizontal from me, not above/below by definition, and i NEVER forgot that***)... i do not encourage any sort of self-harmful behaviors, and no matter how dependent our relationships might sometimes begin (i.e. me & my biological little-sisters, me & M, etc.) every single ONE of my adopted-kids learn from me that they are able to live on their own... walk for themselves.. not because i am their "legs", but because i see with my own eyes just what they have inside them and MAKE those little buggers face it too.. they ARE "strong enough".

- e.


*** edit: in all honesty, i probably use/see my use of words like "mother"/"child" with my peers just as they see/use the concept of a "good friend"... a neuro-linguistic quirk of my own (my idiolect), but my "friends" forgive me for it... yes? ;) - e.
qilora: (Juju - *squee*)

artwork by Pia Van  Ravestein, LJ user



artwork by Pia Van Ravestein, [livejournal.com profile] moonvoice

pics behind cut-tag, of Raccoon! )

squee.

- J.
qilora: (Imagine)
more than i realised:

Harlem Arts School Shuts Over Financial Problems


and i think i figured out why i'm freakin *so* bad... aside from the fact that its just right up there on my list of the Failures-of-Humanity that we make our kids suffer for what us grown-ups FUCK-up...

when i was little ms. sweet-n-innocent, and living my quasi-cracker existence in wetlands of coastal Jersey, i was basically growing up surrounded by families of Bennys** & commuters who just decided to relocate to NJ and STAY there... Brooklynese was me mother-tongue...

New York wasn't another "state" to me, i could see it from the beach (day OR night)... it was just like another part of Jersey, one that you'd have to take a CAR or ferry to get to, but of all the kids i knew, a lot of us had parents/grandparents from there (some of them STILL there)....

talk of the old-neighborhoods were like fairy tales from teh Old Country.... heard about where the best food was, which neighborhoods were the most dangerous (usually the ones the speaker was from!) and heard everyone throwing around addresses as intersections... and btw, i was super proud that i could say my mother was from "Hell's Kitchen" (first, because it would get some "oohs" sometimes, and also because it was the only time i could say aitch-ee-double-hockey-sticks without getting in trouble)....

i wasn't the smartest kid with geography, i thought that the Coneheads were from France, and that was right in the middle of America near Wisconsin, but i also had other little Juju "truisms" in my head... Jews come from Brooklyn (ONLY Brooklyn)... you *have* to go to China Town to get cheap clothes... and Harlem is where JAZZ comes from! ;D like this Mecca of Soul in my head (and heart) and i am sure i dreamt up many not-at-all-accurate fantasies of what it would be like if i could live up there with all the music ;)

okay i know i was lacking a bit of info in most areas of life (i was a kid!)... i got over it as i grew up... most of it, anyway... now i know that Moses didn't part the East River and that my mother is apparently from "Clinton" (the FUCK??) but i can't give up my dreams of Harlem... i *can't* .. i feel like we owe Her & her children (and children's children!) so much!

so how the hell could New York let this happen?! it feels like such a horrible "omen" to see ...

- Z.

EDIT: address to their web-site: Harlem School of the Arts to find out more about the school and perhaps make a donation? (come on, don't make me whip out my Jewish-Mama guilt-trip on you now)



** re: "Bennys"... in case you don't know, a Benny is the kind of human that is predominantly very light-skinned, wears clip on sunglasss, has a shmear of white war-paint going down their nose, big BIG hats, wears shorts with waist-band pulled up to their nipples and (if male) is sure to wear black-socks with sandels. they live "away" and come "down to the Shore" to get sun (apparently they live underground?) and also buy cheap plastic trinkets on the Boardwalk, to bring home as souvenirs.
qilora: (Yemaya)
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qilora: (Default)
know the male
yet safeguard the female
and be a river gorge to the world.
as a river gorge to the world
you will not lose your real potency
and not losing your real potency
you return to the state of the newborn babe.

know the clean
yet safeguard the soiled
and be a valley to the world
as a valley to the world
your real potency will be ample
and with ample potency
you return to the state of unworked wood.

know the white
but safeguard the black
and be a model for the world
as a model for the world
your real potency will not be wanting
and with your potency not wanting
you return to the state of the limitless.
qilora: (Zora - himalaya raccoon.)
to the "able-bodied" folks, guess what? you are all handicapped, every last one of you... you have numerous weaknesses, inabilities and shortcomings that make accomplishing much of life a huge chore.... if you didn't already know this its probably because you don't do much with life, or maybe just try to avoid looking at yourself too hard....

to the "handicapped" folks, guess what? you are all able-bodied, every last one of you... you are full of numerous talents and strengths that make you able to find creative solutions to any and all of the obstacles that life tosses at you... when in need, you can decide for yourself where and how to look for help from the other folks around you (not every has same strengths/shortcomings, so it works out)... if you don't already know this, its because the educational-system/media have been succeeding at keeping you quiet and off to the side, or maybe you just avoid looking at yourself too hard.....

i don't blame you, but how about we start to play a new game... this old one is getting rather boring...

*TAG* you're It! ;)

- Z.
qilora: (Jules - Hedwig (head on amp))
have to share a thought regarding Robertson's recent demonstration of idiocy.

it reminds me of when i was on a mailing-list for translators/interpreters when Katrina hit us down in LA....

i remember how i read post after post from folks discussing how Nola got what it had coming, and that it served them all right for being so stupid to live so far below sea-level (and so on).. and they laughed at how greedy Amrika was suffering now (note: it wasn't the "greedy" who were suffering)...

i remember replying to them all with 4-letter-words that would make HaSatan blush head to toe (not very smart of me, but i was in a panic), while i screamed at the computer monitor and plugged ears when yet another chopper flew over me & Aaron's apartment.... (sound of choppers makes me shake really *really* bad)

but it taught me a valuable lesson: humans are STUPID.

if we are not there first-hand to really experience things for ourselves, we tend to be a bit out-of-touch... the farther removed (by miles, or mentally "distancing"), the less we grok.

and among these wannabe-know-it-all polyglots of that mailing-list, with IQs that would make Einstein blush (from head to toe) i found very little sympathy.

so much for thinking that our "brains" will save this world.. i think it will be our "hearts".

- Jules & Co.
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